Icha Icha Tensei
by Prosthetic Forehead
Summary: Naruto finds himself trapped in a parallel world after a technique gone awry... where everyone is corrupted by Jiraiya's awful "literature"! How will Naruto survive? How will he find his way home? Will he even want to! NarutoHarem
1. Deep Love

**Warning**: Heavily _implied_ stuff in this story. Turn away, those of high, high horses! This is meant to be humorous and _relatively_ light/silly, of course. Not sure how often I'll update this in comparison to my other stuff. I am woefully capricious.

* * *

Naruto's body beat with the throbbing of battle. Like a drum, he moved to the rhythm of his instincts, parrying, blocking, avoiding, leaping, dodging, flying. He was a blur of gold, his honed senses carrying him about the dank room, striking at the sharp, flickering shadows. The Kyuubi's chakra was no longer accessible to him for he had already used too much of it. His skin was burning, raw like his throat, peeling off as he moved. He could not use it again without risk of death, it was like he was suffering third and second degree burns everywhere on his body, each movement protesting in powerful ache.

But Orochimaru of the Sannin was too powerful. With Tsunade of the Sannin and Jiraiya of the Sannin as raised bloodthirsty drones at his side, the young jounin had no hope of winning now. He had already defeated several of Orchimaru's S-rank experiments, grotesque abominations that were the products of several bloodlines fused together. He was well spent and weak, blood oozing from terrible wounds in his feet, shoulders and arms, making small splotches on the ground every time he moved, grunts of agony loosened from his throat.

"You are beat, boy." The Sannin said, a hand raking through the black tentacles he called hair, his lips twisting in excitement, "You cannot kill me, I am immortal, as are my loyal pets."

"Release them, you sick freak!"

He glared at Jiraiya and Tsunade, their eyes an unholy, blighted scarlet. They stood unnaturally stiff at his sides.

"I think I will. Their sights are not pleasant to me, even as useful, ironic tools. But only once you are dead."

Naruto snarled, his face glowing with the lingering, poisonous chakra of his tenent.

"Jiraiya, why don't you finish the boy off? You must have developed some secret technique. Your strongest trump card. One you probably did not even think to use at the time of your death." He laughed, "Go on! Use it! End that wretched thorn in my side's existence in this place."

Jiraiya stepped forward, his gaze fixated on Naruto, who put his hands up pleadingly, tears pounding in his eyes, "Jiraiya! Don't! Please! I-I love you, alright? Don't do this!" Love was strong, right? That's what Tsunade had told him once - that love could conquer all. And maybe it could, maybe it-

Jiraiya reached into his coat with one hand, the other one making seals. Naruto groaned. Of course love didn't do shit-

"Jiraiya, you have to fight him! Don't, please!" he looked to Tsunade pleadingly, then Orochimaru, his face swollen in panic. Behind him, the passage to the suffocating chamber was cut off by a collapse in the ceiling. He was basically trapped.

"I've failed, haven't I?" he whispered, wondering what would become of everyone he'd known. All the sacrifices his friends had made... for nothing.

He watched exhaustedly, preparing to defend against Jiraiya's inevitable "ultimate technique".

The man pulled from his coat a familiar book, a bright orange cover drawing his gaze. And just as he did this, he slammed his other hand on the ground, turning the opened book to Naruto, throbbing seal-script reaching across the ground like cracks in the floor.

"Kuchiyose:_ Ero Tensei_!"

"What?!" Naruto shrieked, the pages of the orange book flying about, an incredible natural energy gathering in them. He felt an enormous gravitational pull and struggled to stay standing. But he lost his strength and slipped, Orochimaru watching in blissful bemusement as Naruto flew through the air.

Only, when he collided with the book, he vanished. As did the book. Jiraiya too - his body crumpling into dust with it.

* * *

There was oblivion for a time. His vision wavered, blue fuzz covering his eyes for a while. But eventually, he found the strength to stand. And for a moment, he was sure he was in a genjutsu, for he was in a familiar neighborhood, one that shouldn't have existed, but one he knew intimately well.

He was standing right by the Yamanaka flower shop, which was adjacent to the Inuzuka pet hospital. A dusty street was laid between his bloody feet - only, he wasn't covered in blood. In-fact, he was fine. Four years younger even, looking down at himself, he saw slightly softer, lighter flesh. He was a little shorter. And given his attire - his missing coat of flames (remniscient of his father) and jounin vest - he would have approximated himself to be sixteen.

"What the hell?" he murmured, looking down at his dirty palms, swiping them against the sides of his orange pants, fingers feeling over the new-looking orange and black jacket that wrapped tightly over the white shirt he wore underneath.

"I'm not dreaming, right? Or did I die?" He'd played an arcade game once, was this what they called a "Reset"? Things didn't work that way, right?

Then, Naruto's memories returned to him slowly, "Oh. Right. Jiraiya said... _Ero Tensei_, before I had blacked out." What the hell? Perverted Rebirth? _Tensei_ was the cycle of birth, the cycle of reincarnation according to some people. Souls migrate to the underworld when they die, then migrate back as sheep and humans, or something like that. However it worked, Orochimaru had disturbed the natural order of the universe with his putrid technique that violated the dead. But Jiraiya... couldn't have done something similar, right?

Then, he heard something.

"_Ji_."

"Huh?"

"_Jiiiiiii_."

Someone was saying "ji". Very quietly. He wouldn't have picked up on it if it weren't for his inhuman ears. It put him on guard - was it an attacker? He didn't want to alert them just yet, so he kept his cool. He could feel the strange person, hear them whispering, "ji", behind a telephone pole, putting him on guard. Not that he wasn't ever not on guard - since the fall of Konoha to Orochimaru's masterly plans, he'd been working almost in a zealous flurry, barely catching any rest, barely letting any of his thoughts center on _anything_ that wasn't killing that man or protecting innocent people from him.

The best way to deal with the stranger who must have noticed his arrival was to simply ignore them, to pretend like he hadn't sensed them. That way, he would know what they were after. If they tried to attack him, they would be sorry. If this was a genjutsu, he needed to focus on escape first and foremost _anyway_.

"Where the fuck am I?" he breathed, almost wanting to break down into a mess on the floor. He was _supposed_ to be exhausted, but he felt fine now. He reached down and touched his heart, feeling it thump in his hand. He was alive. And this place was _just_ like his home.

"Ero-sennin... what kind of technique did you _do_?"

He nearly wanted to sit down and just think things through, contrary to how he usually solved his problem - maybe run off to the Hokage tower. But, his heart wouldn't let him. He _wanted _to give this genjutsu a test, he was too wound up to try and sit around and think. He wasn't a thoughtful person, not really, even though recent events had made thinking a bit of a necessity - there was almost no one he could count on but himself, since the crumbling of Konoha's military organization.

His mind was telling him that Jiraiya wasn't the type to utilize illusions (the man was probably too deluded and ignorance of his _crazy_ to be good at them) and figuring out what this technique did was his primary goal. Plus, even though he was no longer exhausted, mentally, he was too drained to really care. Breaking this illusion would simply put him into the jaws of death again. The craftiness, the prankster inside him, told him to exploit this technique, to find a way to turn it back at the bastard snake.

So, there was very little better to do. He could feel his chakra burgeoning inside his gut, the very core of his essence tingling as he reached for it, but the normal sensation of the gentjusu rippling, tearing itself apart? No, there was nothing. Not even the slightest suggestion that he was in a normal genjutsu. This was like _tsukiyomi, _except, different... brute force probably wouldn't work here, Jiraiya would never use a technique that could be broken so easily.

Naruto decided to walk into Yamanaka's flower shop, since it was closest and the most familiar. A bell rang at his arrival, the echoing chime ringing in his mind - resonating with an early memory. He had visited this place first when he was five or six, just barely able to understand the concept of a flower shop; his body pulled by the thick prickling odors.

The door shutting sharply behind him, his senses being thrown wide, he prepared for any kind of attack, his body becoming very loose _and _very tense, each step against the tile floor made his senses sharper, made his focus wider. It also made the flowery air fill his lungs and distract his thoughts more effectively.

The store was painted with light pinks and blues, a solid white counter in the middle of the store, a cash register in the middle. The scent of numerous flowers, cacti and saplings reaching deep into his lungs. As did the_ very_ familiar, _very_ intoxicating scent of a young sixteen year old girl. He pinched his nose for a moment, so overcome by what must have been... musk? Really? Was she aroused? Why was his foxy nose picking up on such an smell? He couldn't understand it at all. He'd been close to many women on many missions and even in the sweatiest, harshest, longest-lasting missions never did he pick up on an odor so strong as hers right now. Was the genjutsu magnifying it?

Whatever was causing it, it was making it kind of hard to think. His cheeks were already tingling, like all of his chakra was churning there.

"Hey Ino." He said to her, or at least, he thought he did, but his voice might have failed him as he stared.

Ino was wearing that purple top that wound tightly around the swells of her breasts, the hem folded above the inward slope of her taut belly. Her hips expanded from there, a scrap of matching purple winding even tighter around the globes of her ass. She was leaning forward on the counter, taking the stance slowly as their eyes met, her elbows digging into the hard counter-top.

He looked into her large eyes.

"Hi Naruto-kun." She said with a surprised, but silly curl of her glistening lips, "What's up? You looking for some flowers?"

Naruto shook his head, dispelling the rise of heat from his cheeks as he walked forward, finding himself falling back on old habits, "Hi Ino." He tried again, his voice very, very tiny, "I am.. uhh... I mean, I was just stopping through, _dattebayo_!" he laughed anxiously, shouting to regain his composure, "H-how are you?" he lost his voice as Ino's glossy pink lips quirked into a very comfortable smile. He felt himself gravitating to her as one hand laid on her chin, the other turned palm-up, a lone finger beckoning him, "I had a question, if you don't mind. We're not in a genjutsu, right?"

Being blunt - that's what he did best. Surely this would work.

"I'm doing fine." She murmured, their eyes locked. As he came up to the counter, her hand reached out, two fingers firmly pinching his chin and dragging him close to her face, forcing him to look at her. Naruto felt his heart pound in his chest and he struggled to breathe for a moment, "Actually, I haven't seen you around for a while. Did you finally get back from your trip?"

Apparently, she was totally ignoring his second part of the question. Or at least, that teasing smile suggested that she thought he was just joking with her, or complimenting her beauty magnanimously.

"My trip?" he repeated dumbly, "I haven't... Oh, right. Of course. Yeah. I just did, Ino-san. But, um, what are you-"

"Call me Ino. Like you were before." She breathed quietly, "It sounds really nice coming from you."

"A-ah, t-thanks Ino." He swallowed, "B-b-but, that's a little- little- I mean- it's- I'm not supposed to because I don't really know you too well." He finished sheepishly.

"Would you like to? Because I've heard a lot about you since you left." She sighed, lamenting dramatically, "I can't believe I crushed on Sasuke the whole time we were in the academy."

Naruto finally let a smile grace his tingling cheeks, ignoring most of what she had said after that. He relaxed slightly in the blonde's presence, "I... would like to get to know you better Ino. I mean, I'm going to be the Hokage eventually. And..." he'd failed to protect her in the past, probably because he didn't know her well enough, "You're Sakura-chan's best friend, right? I... should. I definitely should know more about you. You're important to me." He shook his head, "But- wait- no. Ino, this is important, I need to know,_ are we in a genjutsu_? What's um- the last thing you can remember?" It was hard to talk with her fingers pinching his chin, he wasn't even sure if the words came out right.

Ino's cheeks flushed pink and she blinked, the thumb still pinching Naruto's chin loosened. She began to stroke there with it, back and forth, her skin so soft, feeling his smoothly shaved face. He wondered how she kept her skin so silky, while still training as hard in taijutsu as she probably did. But his thoughts were just getting foggier, the flowery thick scent in the air scattering his focus. It took all his willpower not to lean in and press his nostrils to her hot neck and _breathe_.

"Thanks. I do spend a lot of time on my skin." She murmured with a pretty smile, making Naruto blush even harder. Had he said that out loud? He was totally out of it if he hadn't realized that, "You spent a long time training, it looks like." Her smile morphed into a coy one, full lips thinning, "You grew tall. And your skin is even _richer_ than I remember it." She sighed, "Out in the sun I bet. Do you have a tan underneath all those clothes? I should work on mine..."

"Um, thanks Ino." He said nervously, the hairs on his neck standing up as he heard "_ji_" again in the distance. He wanted to turn and look over his shoulder, but Ino's eyes were... they were green, just like Sakura's, only much paler. There was a subtle strength in them that was... "Do you like my eyes, Naruto-kun?" she leaned in close, her warm breath spewing like fire onto his face.

Something screamed in his gut as he stared, telling him to look away.

"I-I definitely do. They're very pretty." He managed to say weakly, her finger lifting his face up, forcing him to stare. He actually wanted to ask about her smell now that he thought about it again, but it was trouble finding the right words... She was thick and it was making him thick.

"_I want you to stare_." She lowered her voice into something only his ears could pick up and he realized she was doing something with her other hand, it was no longer supporting her head. Instead, it was making several seals and he realized, she was casting a genjutsu. Those didn't really work on him, but he noticed her eyes were a lot more alluring than before and it would be totally okay if she put him under something nice and relaxing...

"I'm glad I had to work here today, Naruto-kun." She said with her lips lifting, revealing her pristine teeth, "I'm so glad you came to me first. Now I can make you _aaall_ _mine_." Her fingers loosened on his chin further and he found himself nodding with her, staring into her eyes, "Stupid forehead didn't know what she was missing with you." She giggled perversely, just like Jiraiya. It was almost enough to shake her grip on his mind.

Naruto looked at her dumbly, his face slackening as he continued to stare into her eyes, going utterly silent.

"How do you think Dad got my Mom so easily? It's simple really. Members of the Yamanaka clan can marry _whomever_ they want to, they simply need to form a stable, permanent connection with their mind. And all you need to do that, is a little _trust_..." Which was a rare commodity among ninja, but Ino knew Naruto was a special case, he trusted all his friends implicitly, leaving his mind wide open, "Just stare into my eyes Naruto-kun. It will only take a few minutes and a special kiss..." she said with a flutter in her breath, her nostrils engorging in excitement, "I should have done this to you years ago. I could have had you so easily."

Was he dreaming? This was really weird, he though distantly. But her eyes were kind of too pretty not to look at so he was happy to keep staring. Plus, she was totally hot right now. She was talking about him and he was pretty sure that it was the kind of talk that his body liked, though he was having trouble recalling what it was she was talking about.

So he stared into her eyes. Her eyes were unbelievably beautiful, glimmering like gems. Or, dazzling like the vibrant flowers in her store. And the longer he looked into them, he realized they began to turn slowly, a pretty spiral pulling him in. Ino's smile grew wider and wider as he obeyed, his body becoming uncomfortable as the seconds ticked on. He was completely unmoving. She could feel her technique take effect, something opening inside her soon-to-be-boytoy, making him unable to act without her permission.

"You are mine, Naruto-kun." She whispered, her thighs squeezing together as Naruto's dry lips began to move, the first stage of the technique coming to fruition. The blond compelled by her technique to repeat after her, his lips buzzing with electric desire, "I am yours In-"

But it was not to be. Ino saw it in slow motion. Horror spread onto her reddened face as Hyuuga Hinata came flying through the large display window in the front of the store. A classic example of Lee's "Dynamic Entry" - both her legs invested in a flying kick. She knocked over potted plants in the display and came crashing through, stumbling, rolling onto the hard white tile floor, coming to a standing position flawlessly. She grabbed Naruto's shoulders and ripped him away from her grasp, the blond stumbling backwards into her, crashing down onto the floor together. The poor ex-jounin wore a dazed expression with glazed-over blue eyes. It took a few furious shakes from the pale-eyed girl to get him to come to, her shouting reaching his ears, "Naruto-kun! Naruto-kun! Are you listening? You're _mine_! Not hers!" She shouted in a frantic whisper.

She was covered in small shards of glass which pricked into Naruto's clothes. It was enough for her to stand up and shake about, glass tapping the floor, Naruto clumsily stumbling to his feet after her.

"W-what in the world?" he said, looking between Hyuuga Hinata and Yamana Ino. The blonde was furious, her lips pressed into a very thin pink smear, her trimmed brows tensed in fury. Hinata wore a less inflamed look, but she was determined. So much so that she actually took a step closer to Naruto, her cheeks  
slowly turning pink as one hand clenched the black part of his sleeve in an iron grip, keeping him close.

"Uhh, what's going on?" he said as the two girls quietly battled at each other...with their minds?

Hinata turned, her face softening into a loose, glowing smile, her pale eyes radiating with a relieved heat, "She was trying to_ take you_, Naruto-kun." She whispered harshly, her lips nearly fumbling all over themselves, anger keeping her trembling mind focused.

"Uh, what?"

"He was almost mine!" Ino whined, stomping her foot behind the counter, "How did you know what I was doing?"

"I was stalking him, of course." Hinata said calmly. And then she blinked, slapping her forehead as she took a step away from him, "I mean- ignore what I just said- I wasn't stalking you- I was- I heard you'd come back! And I wanted to see you. T-To see hello." She giggled nervously, standing over the shards of broken glass on the floor, hands clasping over her waist.

Hinata wore a sky-blue hoodie that hid most of her torso, the long loose sleeves rolled up at her wrists. Below that, tight purple mesh pants gripped at her body. Her thighs were muscular and caused the cinching material to bulge. She smiled at his curious stare and turned slightly, letting him catch the left, swollen orb of her ass. The pants did little to obfuscate her womanly shape, there.

Naruto was at a loss for words at that mischievous smile doting her pale pink lips, at least until he saw a trickle of blood dribble down her arm, "Hinata!" he said in alarm, "You're bleeding!" He swept forward and took her left arm, lifting it up, he pulled away the sleeve up to the elbow, feeling her impossibly milky, silk-like flesh. He ignored the nervous winding in his stomach and peeled a small spec of glass from her skin, pressing his rough palm there, pushing hard for a long moment.

Hinata just watched him in awe, her parted lips forming a wet, adoring smile.

Ino glowered, "Hey! Why are helping her? Did you not see her fly in through the window? She almost kicked you in the head!"

"I would _never_ hurt Naruto-kun!" she growled, adding coarsely under her breath, "Unlike you."

Naruto let go of her arm and turned, feet crunching on the glass, "I guess I did?" he looked over at the broken window, "I barely can remember... I mean, what the hell were you..." he started to remember it all, his cheeks turning red.

"Just, j-just _forget_ it!" she huffed, glaring at Hinata, "_You_! Help me clean up this mess before Mom sees it and _freaks_!"

"Of course, Yamanaka-san. I apologize." Hinata said with a calm, victorious smile.

"Yeah, I'm sure you're sorry, alright." She grumbled, going back and preparing two brooms. Naruto wisely stepped away from the scene, especially when both girls started leaning forward, almost seeming to purposefully sweep with their rear-ends pointed at him, Hinata's hoodie riding up the small of her back, giving him a glimpse of the crack of her ass, lacy blue fabric rising up with it.

The blond tried to push away all that, his mind still whirling from a near-death battle with that hideous bastard and the crazy mind-thing Ino had tried to do to him. So, he wisely decided, or maybe it was just his crazy intuition, but he wandered over to one of the racks of flowers and picked up one pink and one red rose and fished his wallet out of his pants, opening it to find plenty of money inside.

He laid it on the counter and faced the girls, "Hey, Ino, Hinata-chan." They twirled and stood up from the mess, holding pans full of glass, their eyes meeting his. With his honed speed (though slightly slower than he was used to), he stepped close, lancing a pink rose through Ino's hair, a red one piercing Hinata's dark blue hime-cut.

"I'm sorry, but I've got to get going."_ And figure what the hell is going on_, he almost said.

He shouted, "See you two later!" he waved, choosing to step through them and hop out the broken window, leaving both girls with rosy glows on their bewildered faces.

"Maybe I should try asking Baa-chan about an "Ero Tensei" technique..." he murmured to himself, stopping in front of the Inuzuka pet hospital - he was interested in seeing if he could talk to Kiba or someone inside, he wasn't sure that was a good idea. After all, it was getting late. Looking up at the sky, which was turning his favorite shade of orange, he doubted that-

Just then, the clear glass doors of the hospital opened up, a tall young woman stepping through, "Oh, hey!" she waved.

She carried herself with a powerful stance. Young as she was, she looked like village leader to him, with her shoulders splayed wide apart, her stance even wider, feet planted far past her shoulders. She wore a loose chuunin vest that was opened up wide, displaying her sandy flesh, a few small scars adorning the caps of her knees.

She was strong, her body fit and muscular, tight black spats gripping against her thighs and pelvis, a green band around her waist, holsters dangling from it. Her face curved into a gentle oval, two red stripes parallel with her cheeks and orthogonal to two black strands of glossy hair that fell over her dark eyes.

"Hana." Naruto said in weak greeting.

"Oh, you know my name?"

Of course he did! She'd fought alongside him in the past. Not that she needed to know that right now.

"Yeah. Of course I do." He said with mock airs, "I did just get back from my trip with Jiraiya, so I almost didn't recognize you."

She smiled mysteriously, her gaze narrowing. She held open the glass door to the pet hospital, three strong dogs, the tops of their shining coats black and scarlet, the undersides a mellow white, surrounded her protectively.

"I almost didn't recognize you." She laughed, her voice low and husky, "Looks like you've been training hard." She said casually, twisting slightly to look around him, "Oh yeah, you have been. You've got a cute butt now."

What?

Naruto took a step back, "A-Ahaha. That's, that's funny, Hana-chan." He smacked the air and took another half-step back, "A-anyway, I think I'll be going now. Lots of things to do!"

She smirked, "You think I was joking? Even Kiba will be jealous when he sees-"

"Okay! Enough information!" Naruto clapped his hands over his head, much to the young woman's delight. She laughed happily, her firm breasts jiggling freely in her chuunin vest. Naruto deduced she was either wearing nothing at all, or just a tank top underneath. Knowing the Inuzuka, she probably wasn't wearing anything under those spats too, given the lack of...lines bulging through.

Naruto swallowed those slightly perverted thoughts, "I'm not like Ero-sensei." He murmured rapidly a three times like a creed against demons and malevolent spirits, shaking his head, "B-but yeah, anyway, I've gotta run. Nice seeing you!" He stopped before darting away, "Just one question though before I go- are you feeling okay? Like, you didn't wake up this morning and say to yourself, _This sure feels like a genjutsu!_?"

Hana tapped her cheek briefly before scrunching her eyes closed into a tight smile, "Nope!"

"Alright, thanks. See you!"

He ran off before she could get another word in, panting as he hurriedly flew across the street, buildings blurring by. He stopped after a few kilometers of running, his feet carrying him to Ichiraku ramen - perhaps the only solace of sanity in all of Konoha. Nobody was there but Teuchi either. So he walked right in and slammed some money on the lustrous wooden counter, relaxing in the small stool before the bald chef, "Eight miso ramen." Naruto said tiredly.

"Sure thing Naruto-kun!" he said excitedly, "Glad to see you're back. I heard you'd be returning today."

"Yeah it's ah... good to be back." He almost wanted to shout that, but he was still a little unsure. This place felt like Konoha, even with the odd way Ino and Hinata were acting, but there's no way it really could be... right?

When the first bowl was slapped down, Naruto banished his thoughts and started filling his growling stomach. He sighed, inhaling the salty broth through his nose, slumping in his seat.

And on the second bowl? That's when Kakashi sat down.

"Yo."

"Oh, uhh, hey." Naruto said with a noddle hanging from his chin, his hand catching it and inserting it into his mouth, "Long time no see, Kakashi-sensei."

"I heard you'd just gotten back. Somehow you missed us though! We were waiting at the gate for hours, _maa_."

"O-oh? Sorry about that." He grinned sheepishly, "I don't know how I did that..."

Kakashi nodded boredly, pulling a little orange book from his green vest.

"S-say, Kakashi-sensei, what are you reading?"

"Oh, this?" He showed Naruto the cover:_ Icha Icha Tensei_. The book was orange with red lettering, the picture of a white-haired shinobi being chased by a horde of kunoichi.

Naruto's jaw dropped, "No way..." he shivered, reaching up to snatch it, but Kakashi pulled it back.

"Hmm? Did you want this?" he asked with a curious edge, "Why not ask your sensei for a signed copy?"

Jiraiya was alive? If he was then, maybe he could explain all this.

"Oh, sure. Of course I could do that."

Kakashi 'eye-smiled', "Great! Though, Sakura won't be happy if she sees you reading it..."

Naruto swallowed, "I didn't really want to read it. I was just curious."

"Of course." Kakashi deadpanned.

"Kakashi-sensei, you're a master at genjutsu, right?"

"Maa, I suppose so. But Kurenai-chan would be better at it than me, I think." He flipped a page.

"Could you tell if I'm being effected by a genjutsu right now?"

The copy-nin looked at him like he was nuts, but obeyed, lifting up his headband, he examined him with his slowly-churning eye, "Nope. Not that I can tell. Why, what brought this on?"

"Nothing much." He said in a strained voice, prompting Kakashi to put down his headband and keep reading, "Just that... I think a girl tried to rape me a few minutes ago. And then there were those stares..."

"Maa, well, you just came back. It's perfectly natural for hormones to be surging around this time of year anyway. Plus, Jiraiya-sama did just release his new book. Sounds like a combination of everyone's excitement - who was it? The Hyuuga girl who stalks you? She probably missed you greatly."

"Er, stalker?"

Kakashi didn't even dignify him with a look.

Naruto shook his head and returned to his ramen, not wanting to linger on it for now, pushing away his frenzied thoughts. The man chatted to him as if he wasn't there, staring off into his book as he asked questions about his training trip, which Naruto provided between slurping mouth-fulls. There were a few curious jabs here and there about Jiraiya's perverted tendencies (and whether they had rubbed off on Naruto), as well as about Naruto's progress in training.

It did leave him a little at a loss. He knew things he shouldn't for the place he was in. Like the names of his parents, members of Akatsuki, the fates of certain Jinchuuriki (and friends and enemies alike), and the upcoming war...

Maybe this was a trick. Right? There's no way... Well, Orochimaru had ordered Jiraiya to use his most powerful technique. Maybe he knew how to do something like this? He'd have to prod him about it.

Of course, finding Jiraiya meant going to the Onsen. And since it was already dark out, the acrid night air thick, the twinkling stars filling the expansive sky of the village... he was probably elsewhere. It was too cold out for a proper bath. Most of them were closed. Well, save for one.

He reluctantly walked inside, wanting to be thorough. A young woman greeted him with a smile and talked him into taking a bath. He did want to relax and think to himself, so he agreed, giving her some change out of poor Gama-chan and stepping into the changing room. He stripped off his clothes and wound himself with a towel, stepping into the hot misty waters, the chilly air mingling with the steamy fumes that hung low in the murky, bubbling waters, smelling a hint of sulfur in the air.

He closed his eyes as he dipped into the hot flows, leaning against the wooden wall in the corner.

What was it with his life? Nothing ever went according to how it should. He should have been born a praised hero. Should have saved everyone from Akatsuki and Orochimaru... and he should have lost back there. He was exhausted; Orochimaru had won. There was no escape! He had been so sure of it...

Yet he was here and-

His eyes snapped open.

"_Jiiii_."

"Huh?"

"_Jiiii_."

There was again. That sound...

"Hey! Who's there? Show yourself!" Naruto shouted into the hot springs.

The voice stopped.

But he heard water sloshing, someone no longer masking their presence. Someone from the opposite side of the onsen stepped through the mist.

She was lovely, with dark, purple-violet hair. A soaked towel clung to her body, small, tear-shaped breasts propping up the towel aganist her chest.

"Were you doing that?" Naruto said without an accusatory edge in his voice, lost by the woman's beauty and serene calm.

"Doing what?" she asked.

"Nevermind." He slumped, sinking into the water up to his nose, trying to hard to hide his blush.

"Who're you?" she said curiously, "Did something happen?"

He lifted his head up, casting his eyes away, the water coming up to the woman's waist, "Crap." Well, she hadn't struck him down yet, he'd better explain himself, "I'm Naruto. And it's nothing. I was... just hearing something." He swallowed, "Also, am I in the right place? You're- you're definitely a woman, right?"

She grinned, plum lips perking plumply, "I think so."

He started to rise up, water cascanding from his body, walking toward the exit, "Sorry, I somehow entered the wrong side-"

"No, no you didn't." She shook her head, "This is a _unisex_ bath house." She explained with a restrained giggle, "Naruto-kun."

"Oh." Naruto said, standing in the shallow end of the water, water still draining from him. He awkwardly looked toward the exit, "No wonder this place is empty."

"What do you mean by that?" she asked curiously, watching as he took another step toward the stairs, "It's just late. Usually this place is packed."

"Er really? That's _gross _dattebayo!"

"Gross?" she actually giggled this time, though she seemed clearly bothered by it. She cleared her throat, "Sorry. But, how is it gross? It's just a bath."

Naruto turned to her after taking another step, his knees rising up out of the heated water, "Yeah but... you can... I mean... I can- I can see-" and he stopped talking because the woman's towel was so wet that it clung so tight to her skin that he noticed the shape of her freakin' nipples poking through. He blushed bright red and looked away, paralyzed for a moment, a half-whispered, "Sorry-" croaking out of his dry throat.

A hand rose up and pulled at her damp, practically chromatic hair, pulling bangs behind her ears, sticking them there, "You're cute." She teased, her eyes roaming, "But there's no reason to be embarrassed. You should relax, you're too high strung."

"This isn't proper." He tried to explain, taking another step, facing her fully again, keeping his eyes as far away from her breasts as popular, "I-I mean, stuff like this _should_ stay private, right?"

The woman shrugged, "Should it? For what purpose?"

Naruto swallowed, "W-well, I mean-"

"You're a _shinobi_." She said simply, "So am I. I've seen plenty of dead bodies. Unclothed. Often butchered horrendously. How can a live one be worse than any of that?"

"I guess. But it's not the sam-"

"I know." She said stiffly, "My boyfriend died three years ago during the Chuunin exams." She sighed, "I think I would have agreed with you back then. I know what you're trying to say. But... I think I've realized that I was just being selfish and prudey."

"Selfish?" Two steps, up to his shins.

"Yeah." She drifted to the deep corner of the bath, dunking her head under for half a second, taking a deep breath and sighing, "I was thinking, why not love more than one person? Devote yourself to..._everyone_. That couldn't be wrong, right?"

"T-that's a bit hard." Naruto said weakly, grimacing as he said it, "Though I guess that alone wouldn't make it wrong."

She nodded.

"But... what I'm talking about isn't love, right?" Naruto said accusingly, "I think I'm talking about... private stuff. I love Baa-chan, but I don't want to do... those things with her." He shivered, "I don't really want to see her... like that either."

She laughed softly, "I suppose there may be a difference between love and intimacy."

"Intimacy?" Naruto parroted, "Yeah. That's it. That's the word. I... don't think I could be intimate with everyone. And it's not special if you are that way. Plus, if you spread yourself too thin, isn't it _unfair_ to others?"

"Yeah. You're right." She flashed him a smile, "Thanks, Naruto-kun. That's really wise of you."

Naruto heroically beamed at her, "No problem."

"Are you sure you don't want to stay though?"

Naruto scoffed, "I just said, it wouldn't be right. Stuff like this is, it's stuff for perverted people like my sensei. I- I can't just be intimate with just any-"

"How about friends then? I'm Yuugao."

"I guess that would be okay." He hazarded, "Yuugao-chan."

She propped her back against the wooden wall of the bath, "Sit with me." She patted the water beside her.

Naruto grimaced, "There's now way- I- I mean, I'm not a _pervert _dattebayo!"

"I can tell." She smirked, holding down an amused laugh, "But, if I'm your friend, you can trust me, right?"

"We did _just_ met." He sighed, "But I guess I could." He felt weird trudging back into the water, floating closer to her, deliberately planting himself just out of her arm's reach.

She was very pretty, so it was easy to smile at her as they looked at one another.

"How old are you?" she asked.

"Sixteen."

"I'm twenty-five."

Naruto nodded, "I think I recognize you- you're in ANBU, right?"

She blinked, "You're pretty good. But don't spread that around." She said sheepishly.

He nodded, "Of course. I know how to keep a secret."

"You're also very cute." She said again, earning another blush.

"Thanks, I guess." He mumbled, not noticing the woman scoot closer even as he looked into emptiness, "I just got back from an extended stay outside the village."

She nodded, "I recognized you. You participated in the exams against that Hyuuga."

"Yeah."

"You were less cute back then." She whispered teasingly, "You've grown since I last saw you."

"So I've heard."

"Has all of you kept _growing_?" she asked with mock innocence.

"Uh... all of me?"

"Yeah."

"I guess?" he raised his blond brows clearly stupefied.

"Well, I can _check_ if you want."

"I don't follow." He said flatly, "Is there something wrong with me?"

She swallowed heavily, "If I said yes?"

"If there's something wrong, I _guess_ I wouldn't mind if youguurk-"

She slammed into him, her breasts pressing into his towel-clad chest. She mashed her nose against his, her cheeks burning scarlet, "I'm a specialist in suiton. So don't worry about me running out of air." She said huskily, a hint of sake on her breath as she breathed close to his squished nostrils.

Naruto managed a weak, confused protest as the woman swallowed a deep breath and dunked under the water, her hands planted on his hips. And then he started to panic when she pulled open the bottom half of his towel, and then- and then-

"_Jiiii_." He heard that voice again.

"Uhh, Yuugao-chan?" he said panicking, trying to clamp his legs together, "If you really weren't making that noise then-"

The blond went completely _stiff_. His eyes bulged out their sockets. Like pieces of wood, his trembling legs held him up against the back of the bathhouse, bubbles popping on the surface of the misty water.

"Y-Yuugao-chan." He murmured weakly, trying to figure out where that soft voice was coming from, but it was too hard to concentrate. Parts of his face convulsed as the seconds dragged into minutes, the blond's fingers naturally settling into Yuugao's hair, combing through it gently in the warm waters.

He groaned softly, shivering all over. He wanted to push her away, but he also... didn't want to. He couldn't explain it. His heart was fluttering and he was too confused to pick a side. So he sat there, feeling her head, gritting his teeth.

Then, there was something like a wave. A crash, or something. He couldn't remember. He just felt tingling all over.

And moments later, Yuugao popped up to the surface, taking in a mighty breath.

"That was fun." She said, breathing a little erratically, a glowing grin blossoming on her face as she gazed at Naruto, the sixteen year-old wearing the most simultaneously flummoxed, pleased expression on his face he'd ever produced, "And it looks like I succeeded!" she laughed as he just gazed at her hollowly, exhaustion playing upon his features.

"Am I... _okay_ then?" he asked with a worn, uneasy smile.

"Oh, more than it." She said warmly, turning around and sitting in his lap.

Naruto's entire body burned then, holding the woman lightly in his arms, completely confused and petrified. She planted a salty kiss on his neck, laughing at his expression every time her eyes looked up.

"_Jiiii_."

"There it is again." He whispered, looking at Yuugao worriedly, "Do you hear it?"

"Hear what?"

"_Jiiii_." Naruto imitated softly, "Do you hear that? It's been following me for hours."

"Nope." She leaned into him, reaching awkwardly behind herself, placing her fingers against his chest, right over his heart, "I did hear your heart skip a beat though, I think." She murmured playfully.

"M-maybe it's because you're killing me here." He whispered.

"You're just too adorable not to." She teased, finally getting off him, "But I'll let you rest. I admit I was a little pushy."

"No... it's alright." He caved, "You were clearly upset about something, Yuugao-chan. I think you just wanted to unwind."

She blinked, "That's probably accurate actually."

She left the water after lingering reluctantly, her hips and weighted hair swaying from side to side as she walked out, water pouring from her body. She turned and looked over her shoulder, asking him to come see her again sometime.

He didn't reply. He watched her go instead. When it was safe, he climbed out of the water and dressed, stumbling out of the bathhouse, his mind not properly working yet. He was walking in a comatose state for a few minutes, before what exactly just happened hit him. Thankfully, he was so out of it, he completely failed to notice a cloaked Hyuuga Hinata in the shadows outside the bathhouse, thick veins pounding around her eyes, her entire face burning like a star.

* * *

**An:** The whole "jii" thing I'll try to tone down on from now on, but basically, it's the sound Tsunetsuki Matoi makes when she stalks her teacher in Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei. Comically, Hinata is now a pretty determined stalker and voyeur.


	2. Crazy Love

**AN:** Thanks for the reviews/feedback.

* * *

He stumbled into his apartment late at night and went right to bed. He didn't want to deal with the fact his "purity" had just been robbed from him.

"I'm so sorry, Sakura-chan." He breathed as he closed his eyes, "I promise not to let it happen again."

He couldn't deny that it felt incredible though. But that didn't make it any less wrong. Yuugao was a little weird in the head, though he didn't know her too well, which made him wonder how her personality had been decided. If he was in a genjutsu, then did his own mind create her behavior? Or did Jiraiya imbue his own understanding of the ANBU into this fake world? He _had_ met Yuugao before, though he'd never learned her name. He didn't really know how genjutsu worked, unfortunately.

In the morning he rose. Went to the bathroom. Showered. Walked past his bookshelf full of his _Icha Icha_ collection. Ate some dry, crusty cereal (while naked). Again, walked by his bookshelf. Brushed his teeth. Changed his clothes. Then, walked by his _Icha Icha_ collection _again_, before he stopped, reversed back a few steps and stared.

"What the fuck?!" he reached out and grabbed one of the dozen orange books, staring at the cover of _Icha Icha DUTY_. He threw it behind him, chucking it into one of his houseplants against the wall, pulling free a second orange book, _Icha Icha Kaeru. _He pitched that one right into a nearby wastebasket, pulling out a third one, _Icha Icha Tengoku_. That one was also pitched.

He spent a few minutes peeling away at the books on his shelf, throwing them all away in a fluster of barely contained rage, "Ero-sennin!" he shrieked, having counted _forty _books that had lined his shelves, "I can't believe he's written so many of these disgusting things!" He held the last one between his sweaty palms, cracking it open, and glared at the pages.

He tried reading all of one sentence before he squicked out and slapped the thing shut, "I am _not_ a bloody pervert dattebayo!" He threw it on the ground and stomped on it like it was one of Orochimaru's snakes. Over and over until the sturdy hardbound book was scuffed, dented, and flattened to a pulp. He threw that one in the trash, last.

"I have _never_ owned one of those books!" He shouted, "Especially _not _after all the time we fucking wasted during my training trip visiting brothels, bath houses and hot springs! If we'd trained half as hard as he peeped, I wouldn't have lost to that stupid fucking snake!"

After his temper tantrum ended and he realized felt like a child for imploding like that, he drowned his shame with a glass of almost-expired orange juice and slammed his fridge shut. Leaving his apartment in a flurry, he left bound determined to get to the bottom of this..._this._ Was this technique his idea of a cruel joke? What the hell kind of mess was he in?

* * *

He was a bit fearful to see Tsunade, and nobody had called him in to report either. So, Naruto did the only thing that seemed reasonable to him - the library. As dreaded and terrible a place as the library was, he'd used it a few times before. He did want to become Hokage and he did respect knowledge. He just hated the quiet oppression and those awkward stares everyone gave him when he sat down to read one the dumb things.

Still, he wanted to do some research. Not Jiraiya's kind, of course. But he wanted to see how extensive this illusion went! The library would have all kinds of knowledge at his disposal.

Konoha's central public library had soft blue carpets, a sterile if vaguely flowery scent, and towered high. Bright white lights hung from the high ceilings, bathing the huge rectangular hall in an even glow. He watched villagers and shinobi alike come and go through the halls, himself blending into the thin crowd. He passed by the front desk, his feet sure of their destination until he stopped before the dozens of dark wooden shelves that towered high.

"Where to start..." he hummed, "Where to start..." Genjutsu right? Yeah, he needed to learn how genjutsu worked.

Thankfully, there seemed to be a whole lot of people checking out a particular isle of the library. It seemed logical that common knowledge would be commonly accessed, so he gravitated there. Until he stopped, a sea of orange filling his eyes.

"You've got to be kidding me?!" he shrieked, causing everyone to stop and turn their gazes at him. The blond shinobi looked up at the hanging aisle tag that descended from the ceiling, it read, _Icha Icha Aisle 12: S-T_. "Twelve?! There are twelve aisles full of _Icha Icha _books?!" He started cursing loudly, stomping past the next twelve aisles, seeing a sea of orange.

"My favorite color is now ruined!" he cried, "You've corrupted the beauty of orange!"

The library was staffed by shinobi who hastily escorted the shrieking, hysterical teenager out of the quiet building, throwing him hard into the dusty street outside, their hands clapping together, "Don't come back." One droned with an annoyed edge, "The library is a sanctimonious place for quiet focus. Not immature pranks and attention-whoring." And then they left.

Naruto sat on his bum for a little while, just feeling lost, "Is this Jiraiya's _utopia_? Where everyone reads his stupid smut? Don't tell me that everyone likes his 'novels' here!" He slowly stood and dusted himself off, not bothering to try and go back in - if the library had _other_ books he wasn't sure he wanted to try reading them anyway.

"I need to find Sakura-chan." He said, "She's probably the only sane person in this whole universe." There was _no_ way Jiraiya could have gotten through to Sakura, she was smart, beautiful, strong, wise, kind, and the most un-perverted person he knew besides himself. And sure, he did indulge in the occasional, perverted _henge_, but that was just to punish perverts. Sakura was so un-perverted that she hurt him every time he did that technique, she couldn't even stand the thought of punishing people like that. Just the word, "ero", would get her huffing and red-faced.

Of course, he did have to admit, when she was one of Sasuke's fangirls, maybe she'd dreamed of kissing him - but her love was pure back then. It was partially why they'd wanted to bring Sasuke back, because her love of him was strong, natural, true. It wasn't a shallow desire. It was...deep love! Sakura didn't think about that _other stuff_. He was confident in that, he'd slept, ate and battled alongside Sakura long enough to feel like he knew her in-and-out. She could never change into somebody else. She was _pure_. His pure, ideal woman. Just one reason why he loved her to death.

The natural place to look for Sakura first was the hospital. Well, the general hospital. The biggest one, toward the tower. He traveled there at a leisurely pace, so it took him about fifteen minutes. His eyes scanned Konoha and most of it looked just as it always did. It was a little younger looking, with parts of town slightly different, but it he was pretty sure that was on account of the fact he was _sixteen_ right now. So Konoha probably mirrored that time.

He approached the front desk and stared at an old man who headed the sparkling white lobby, "Hey. I'm Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura's teammate and I need to speak with her. She works here, one of the nursing staff I think. Can I see her?"

The man did a look up through a large schedule folder at the front. He nodded, "She should be in the public east wing, around room three-zero-two. She has lunch break in half an hour, so try the cafeteria if you can't find her before then."

"Gotcha." He waved, "Thanks a lot." And he was gone in a flash, scouring the halls. Sakura's pink hair was unmistakable, so it wasn't hard at all to find her! She stood outside one of the rooms, her stunning reflection mirroring her in the lustrous white floor.

Her face was hard, green eyes searching through a clipboard. A skinny, pressed white lab coat draped down, ending at her thighs. It was left open, exposing a pink, buttoned blouse that was tucked into the thin confines of a tight black, pencil skirt. It hugged her womanly hips, hem folded mid-thigh, strong, tensed legs emerging from it. Sheer black stockings cinching tight around her legs, only a sliver of their olive flesh was left unclothed between the two garments. Short black heels snugly confined her curvy feet, she looked both anxious and comfortable with her back to the wall.

"Hey, Sakura-chan. I'm so glad to see you!" he smiled naturally, feeling his cheeks buzz, "You won't believe how crazy yesterday was! Hell, you won't believe I went through just to get here! First, I was assigned this S-Rank mission, you know, because we had to strike at Orochi-teme before he started his invasion plan, but I got separated from the team and had to fight him alone! And it was so hard! I was sure I was done for! But then I wound up here, and for just a minute, I wondered if I was in a genjutsu. Silly, right?" He giggled as he continued, Sakura's green eyes slowly rising up from her clip board she held as he shouted at her, "But this is even _worse_ than that. I ran into Ino-chan and Hinata-chan and they were acting all weird. Then there was Hana-chan and Yuugao-chan, but I shouldn't tell you about her... But yeah! You won't believe what's happening to me, I really need your heuuurgk-" a wide grin was plastered on his face as Sakura took two steps and back-handed him across the cheek, leaving a throbbing pound after a wake of numbness

"Naruto-baka!" she shouted, "I waited all day for you yesterday! And then I heard from Tsunade-sama than Kakashi ran into you at Ichiraku's! I went over to your apartment to wait for you _again_, but you never showed up!" She rolled her arms over her chest, her pink lips pulled into a furious look, "Don't feed me some bullshit excuse like that. Apologize!"

Naruto laughed, he was _so happy_ to see a perfectly normal Sakura, that slap almost made cry tears of joy, "I'm really, really sorry Sakura-chan. I hate the idea of making you wait around and waste your time looking for me... I'm really happy to see you again and ah- forget about what I just said." He rubbed the back of his head, "I won't trouble you with it. Hey, your lunch break is soon. Do you want to hang out? We could get ramen together."

Her furious glare slowly melted into a slight smile. But then she dug a knuckled into his shoulder, earning herself a pained whine from the blond before her, "Naruto-baka, it's not like I want to go out to lunch with you..." she averted her green gaze, her fist digging harshly into his skin, "You know not suggest stuff like that..."

The blond grit his teeth and took a step back, ending his torment, "Itai! Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I wasn't asking you out on a date. I just wanted to... well, you know." He sighed.

Her smile faded and she glared angrily at him, "Who said I wanted to go on a date?"

"Nobody, Sakura-chan! Honestly. I'm agreeing with you here! Listen to me!" The last thing he wanted was a date, why was she saying weird stuff?

At this point, doctors, nurses and patients started scurrying past them in the halls. Naruto wasn't one to usually feel self-conscious, but he knew Sakura-chan didn't like being embarrassed by him. So, he tried to smile, "Can we talk privately for a bit?" he said pointing to the examination room behind his crush.

Sakura was not blind to the looks she was getting, but she hesitated, wearing an oddly disappointed-looking frown, the kind she used to wear around Sasuke-teme, "We could, but my mom's in there."

"Your mom?"

Sakura smiled gently, "Yeah. It was a big surprise, but apparently, she's pregnant again..."

"Really?" Naruto's face lit up and he crushed his teammate into a hug, "That's great Sakura-chan! You get to be a big sister!"

Sakura collapsed awkwardly into Naruto's powerful embrace, "H-hey, let go of me, baka. Do I look like I wanted a hug?" She whispered tenderly, her hands pushing on his chest.

"Oh, right, sorry. Forgive me." He let her go.

Naruto respectfully kept his eyes level with hers. He was oblivious to her as he thought about meeting her mom, failing to notice the way her teeth dug into her cheek, or the fact her blouse betrayed two swollen stubs where his body had pressed into her.

"It's okay." She mumbled weakly.

He nodded, "Well, would your mom mind? I just wanted to ask you a few questions. And I admit they might sound a little odd." He was having doubts about this now, but he did want to meet Sakura's mother - he'd never done it, because he suspected she was keeping them apart for some reason.

"Sure, I guess. I've told her about you in the past, she's probably curious." She sighed defeatedly, leading herself and Naruto into the small, brightly lit space.

Haruno Mebuki sat on the edge of a paper-clad bed, legs danging over. She had coppery blonde hair. He could see Sakura's piercing emerald gaze as he stepped inside and locked eyes with her. He grinned, "Hi, Sakura-chan's mom!"

The woman relaxed in his presence. Her nose was small, lips thin, painted a dim red. There were slight wrinkles at the corners of her lips. A white blouse, the collar folded stiffly about her neck, the buttons undone at the top, hung from her shoulders. The top of the blouse was open wide, displaying a firm bosom. Her breasts were thrice the size of any apple, spilling out of the cramped confines of a black floral-lace bra, the skinny straps hooking over her shoulders, bleeding through the sheer white fabric of her top.

Sakura blanched at Naruto's gobsmacked expression. She smacked him across the head, throwing him backwards into the wall as Haruno Mebuki blushed fiercely, her hands clumsily raising up to button her shirt, "Sorry about that." She said tiredly, "Wasn't expecting any visitors."

"It's fine mom." She sighed, turning to completely ignore her downed, loopy teammate "Anyway, I looked over the doctor's reports, they look great. It's not going to be easy, not like with... well, me." She giggled airily, "You have another appointment in eight weeks, but it looks like everything should proceed as normal."

"That's great." The woman smiled, a hand combing through her sharp blonde bangs, "Is that cutie who I think he is?"

"Mom!" Sakura stomped her foot, pointing on the ground as Naruto stumbled to his feet, "That's just Naruto-baka. He's _not_ cute."

The woman laughed heartily, "So you haven't claimed him yet? That's good."

"Mom!"

"Maybe your father wouldn't mind if I were to take him-"

Sakura clapped her hands over her ears, her whole face turning red, "I knew this would happen! Stop teasing me!"

The woman giggled just like her daughet, "Now, now. I was just joking." She hopped off the bed and walked over to Naruto. She leaned forward and helped the teen up, smiling radiantly at him, "Call me Mebuki. I'm Sakura's mother."

Naruto shook the battle-hardened hand in his grasp, matching her smile, "It's great to finally meet you. Sakura-chan's always been an incredible teammate."

Sakura looked away and clamped her hands over her ears tighter, "This is way too embarrassing." She twisted in her tiny skirt, pulling on her coat's hem.

Mebuki laughed, "I've heard a lot about you, _Naruto-kun_."

"Haha, well, Sakura hasn't always liked me that much, so I hope it wasn't all-"

"Nonsense. She's very proud of you. She definitely likes you too."

"**_Mom_**!"

"I'm glad you've returned. You know, she's been cranky since you left. Almost moved out of the house last year when I told her to stop moping around."

"Mom!" Sakura leaned in and put her hands her mother's shoulders, "It's great you finally met Naruto n' all, but Dad's probably worried sick about you. Why don't you go home and get some rest?" she started pushing on her.

"I suppose you're right." She winked at Naruto, "I'll leave my daughter in your care. But you're welcome to come and see _me_ anytime."

"R-right." Naruto swallowed, not liking that look in her eye.

The woman left, leaving the two alone in the room. Sakura relaxed, slumping against the wall, while Naruto recovered from Sakura's hard jab to his face.

"Did you really have to hit me that hard?"

"Yes!"

He sighed, "I'm sorry if I made you embarrassed."

"I wasn't _embarrassed_!"

Naruto almost glared at her, but he couldn't mange the look. The pinkette pushed her hands down the sides of her lab coat, smoothing it against the narrow of her waist as she calmed herself down, the pink leaving her cheeks, "What is it you wanted to talk about, Naruto?"

"Well, first, I wanted to say that I'm glad I finally met your mom. I almost want to know why it took so long, but..." he trailed off, "Anyway, tell her to take care of herself, would you? She looked really happy."

"Of course." She frowned, wondering when if Jiraiya had managed to make Naruto considerate in the last three years. She studied him more carefully, noting his posture was much more guarded, even with her. He looked very competent, for once. But maybe it was a trick?

"Secondly, have you noticed anything strange about Konoha?"

"Like, recently?"

"Yeah. Recently."

"I don't really know what you mean. I guess, well, last week, _Icha Icha Tensei_ came out..."

"Right! Yes! Exactly! That's exactly what I wanted to talk about. What's up with that book? Why does everyone like Jiraiya's trashy porn-smut?"

"Porn-smut?" She shook her head as Naruto nodded vigorously, "Naruto, not _everybody_ likes that stuff."

A huge smile exploded onto those whiskered cheeks, "Yes! I knew it Sakura-chan. You would _never_ read that stuff, right?"

"Of course not. What do you take me for?" her cheeks burned bright and her eyes narrowed, "Have _you_ been reading that...porn-smut?"

"No! I would never. Jiraiya tried hard, he even _almost_ made me edit one of his novels while we were away, but I'd never do that. I'm not a pervert dattebayo! You can count on me, I won't ever become like him."

Sakura didn't relax. She chewed on her lower lip, "Right. Well. What's your question?"

"You said it yourself, everyone's excited about _Icha Icha Tensei_. Jiraiya's new book. Okay, well not everyone, but almost everyone. I went to the library earlier today, and I swear I heard the librarian say to a dozen people that they ran out of copies. I don't ever remember Jiraiya's books being that popular. Or the library having over twelve shelves of it!"

"Naruto, since when have you ever been to the library?"

"T-That's besides the point! Something weird is going on!"

Sakura grimaced, "Naruto, are you sure you're alright? I get that you don't like...perverts...but Jiraiya's books have always been popular. As much as I hate it, I mean. Nothing's changed."

"Ino was acting funny when I talked to her yesterday." He struggled to say.

"Funny?"

"Yeah. I swear she was trying to hit on me! She's never done that."

"Naruto." Sakura sighed, turning him around and pushing him to the door, "I'm starving, my break's coming up, and you're being silly. Why don't you go train some? You're just light-headed from the long trip home. I'm sure everything's all just your imagination. Everything is fine. It's normal. I'll see you tomorrow alright? Tsunade-sama will probably tell Kakashi to get the team back together for some training exercises."

Naruto protested, but ultimately, she locked him out of the room. He left with a sigh, "I'll have to convince her something is seriously wrong. I know she can help me." He smiled gently, "But I'm glad Sakura is acting normal. She's so strong! Not even Jiraiya's perverted technique can shake her. She's definitely my rock."

As Naruto marched off, he never witnessed Sakura sigh in relief, her body falling away into the corner of the exam room, her short skirt hiking up on her thighs as she fell to the cold floor, her hand reaching into the long coat pocket of her lab coat, an orange book fished into her lap, "Break time." She sighed with a smile, "It's funny how much Naruto acts like Yusuke." She sighed, flipping to a bookmarked page.

"I'm really happy I got to see him today." She murmured, "But I'm going to have a serious chat with Ino-pig about this." She grumbled.

* * *

"I have to find Jiraiya." Naruto decided after a little bit of thought. Really, it was the first thing he should have done.

So, he ran himself ragged. Fifty shadow clones. He dispersed them all out the entire village, determined to find that stupid oaf of a teacher. His search seemed to be going well, even if no clones had been dispelled yet, but he was running all over the place as himself, sweating up a storm. He ran to the south side of Konoha and back, several times. He caught what he thought to be glimpses of the man running down alleyways, but it must have been his imagination. Chasing after hints of the man just led him on a few wild goose chases. There's no way it could have been him, since Jiraiya tended to stay in one spot and peep. He didn't like to run around. But he guessed his hopeful mind was just playing tricks on him?

Close to five, he realized something terrible had happened.

His first clone in the hunt for his teacher had dispelled.

"Oh god!" he shrieked in the middle of the street, his eyes bulging out of their sockets. People gawked at him for a moment before carefully walking around him.

Clone thirty-seven had encountered Tenten and Anko training together. Naturally, he'd approached them and desired to ask if they'd seen Jiraiya about.

The girls were in training ground sixty. It was by a small lake. Anko was teaching the girl how to use her water affinity, it seemed. Tenten had her hair undone, black silk cascading down her soaked back. She was incredible looking, her wet skin glistening in the sun. Her arms were built up from working with Gai, triceps and biceps making her arms swell. Her forearms were like razor-sharp blades, yet, she still maintained a tender, if fierce appearance. Her breasts were barely confined by a tight lime green bikini, white strings tying it around her neck and back. She'd smiled in surprise at his approach, Anko turning, also wearing a look of surprise.

"Hey, how the hell did you sneak up-"

"Naruto-san!" Tenten waved.

"Hi Snake-lady, Tenten! Sorry to bother you guys, but have you seen-" He'd almost called Tenten, "bunbun" but he knew she hated that, plus she was missing her usual buns anyway...

The clone stopped and stared. Below Tenten's pressurized bosom laid a hard six-pack, her waist narrowing briefly as her hips flared out. A matching green thong covered her lower-half, a triangle of sticky fabric green fabric clinging to her supple pelvis, a certain part of her anatomy not so well obfuscated.

Anko, wearing her special jounin uniform (which actually was simply a sandy trench coat over fishnet), had busted out into a laugh, "Oh! Looks like someone is stunned by your beauty, Tenten-chan."

The young woman blushed, her bronze cheeks tingling, "I heard you were coming back soon, Naruto-san. I wasn't expecting you _this_ soon though! Did you want to train with us?"

Naruto looked at Anko, the violet-haired woman wearing an evil sneer that made the clone take a step back, "I-I'm not so sure that's a good idea."

"Oh come on! I want to hear about how your trip went." Tenten said with a pout, a hand on her tanned hip, just a green string riding over it.

There was suddenly a blade at his throat, a harsh, hissing laugh warm against his ear, "My pretty little student wants your company, foxy. Why not join us?"

"S-sure!" the clone trembled out, joining them.

Of course, Naruto didn't have a water affinity, or know any water techniques, so Anko proposed they do some sparring. Tenten was eager to see what taijutsu Jiraiya had taught him on his journey.

Jiraiya hadn't taught him shit, of course. But thankfully, he was technically a jounin this time. And technically, Tenzou and Jiraiya had both straightened out his taijutsu after the war broke out with Orochimaru and Akatsuki.

So the fight was much more one-sided than Tenten would have thought. She expected him to be better than she last saw him, his clones mindlessly dog-piling Neji in the chuunin exams, but she never expected a full-on brawl; the girl back pedaling as they fought. His clone had managed to avoid each and every one of Tenten's awesome moves. She was graceful and slick, her bare feet fighting against the muddy bank of the pond. She twirled and struck with her open palms, her strong leg muscles clenching and unclenching as she moved with power and speed. She fought a lot like Neji or Hinata, only with a lot more force behind her strikes. She wasn't quite fast enough or used to his floaty, acrobatic style, one she'd never even see Gai imitate before, her strikes pushed or redirected with his toad-like sways and intercepting blows.

Anko watched merrily, clapping her hands, "Kick his ass Tenten! Pin him down and mount him girl!"

The girl blushed slightly at her teacher's commands. She was working up a terrible sweat. He was making her react hastily by attacking all of her holes. Each of his strikes were twice as strong as hers, sending her recoiling with every hard block she was forced to perform.

The spar ended with her back to the pond.

The clone himself was sweating from the fight. He desperately didn't want to get hit, which caused him to exert much harder than normal. His hair was sticking to his face. He was forced to peel off his jacket and toss it onto the ground, his white undershirt sticking to his flesh. Tenten's cheeks glowed rosily at the sight, Anko whistling as she stomped the ground with one foot, "Oh, he's gotten cute! Look at those juicy muscles girl!"

The clone burned scarlet, doing his best to ignore the crazy woman, "You've done amazing Tenten."

"Me?" she huffed, "Since when did you get this good? You're as good as Lee with his weights on! Maybe better, actually." She smiled wryly as he approached her slowly, step after step. Tenten backed up, feeling cold water against her heel.

"So I win then?" Naruto's clone smirked.

"You wish. It's not over until you land a solid hit. I'm not going down that easily."

"Then I'm going to finish this!" he said, charging as fast as he could manage.

Of course, Anko wouldn't let her precious little student be bested by a man. Let alone as one as 'cute' as Naruto. So she intervened just as he was going to strike, and thrust her foot into his back, sending the two into the pond with a huge splash.

Anko laughed, clutching her sides, "Oh, what a great finish!"

When they resurfaced, Tenten was grappling the blond, pinning his arms behind his back, "Sensei! I've got him! Help me tie him up!"

Naruto was about to cry in protest when Tenten mischievously shoved his face between her sweaty, soaked breasts. Her chest was muscular, but her breasts still felt soft. And for a moment, he inhaled her scent pervertedly, his whole body going rigid.

The girl giggled happily, breathing batedly in excitement, as Anko praised her student, "Very good. You're thinking ahead. We can't let this opportunity go to waste, after he's gotten you all riled up."

Anko hoisted the two out of the water and tied up the dazed blond, propping him up against a tree. He and Tenten were breathing hard, the girl giggling maniacally with Anko.

"So what are we going to do first?" Tenten asked as she pulled at the hair sticking to her neck, pulling it behind her, "He's really good at taijutsu and I don't think he knows how to break that knot..."

"Oh, don't play so coy. I know what you were thinking."

Tenten blushed heavily, "W-Well, I was thinking, this feels a lot like that scene with Mito and Uramaka-"

"Oh, were you thinking of that too? It's obvious from the way he reacted to you just now, he's a total newbie. We could definitely do that. But are you ready to take the next step in my training program?"

Tenten nodded, smiling sheepishly, "I'm definitely ready, Anko-sensei."

"Great. Now, I didn't master water ninjutsu _just_ by practicing basic techniques. What I was alluding to the other morning is probably a little more...hands-on. But you suspected that right? I know "underneath the underneath" is a pretty popular phrase this generation."

"Y-yeah, I had some idea about what you were talking about."

"Great. Then you know that in order to master the use of water, you'll need to learn to control it. With the way blondie is right now though, he won't offer much of a challenge I suspect." She walked over to him and pulled his tired clone away from the tree, his head falling into the dirt, looking up into the ethereal branches, sunlight scattering on them.

Anko straddled his waist and began to scoot up as she spoke, "So I'll teach him properly first, then we'll switch. You'll keep control yourself for...five minutes. Then we'll take a one minute break and repeat another two times. Alright?" Tenten nodded, her fingers reaching to her left hip, fingers pulling at the white knot holding her thong in place...

The jounin locked eyes with the clone, fingers planted on his temples, keeping his head straight, her wicked full-blown smile splitting her cheeks wide, "This is going to be a crash course, so keep your ears peeled, don't make me repeat myself. I'm going to start you off with the basic technique, alright? Should be pretty simple. If you're doing it right, you should hear nothing more than a little grunting, maybe some twisting, got it? If you're doing it wrong, I'll smack you. _Got that_? Great! Now, be a good boy and open your mouth and say _ahhh_, for me! I want to see how long your tongue is..."

Naruto screamed as the memories burned into his brain. He shivered in the middle of the street once more, people giving him an even wider berth.

He could remember every scent. Every moan. Every twist. Every clench. Tenten had _said his name. _He hardly even knew her! Sure, the spar had been super fun, but... they... she... he couldn't just... but he did... and...

"I can't believe my clone went through all that without popping! Son of a bitch! I can't believe they made my clone do _that_." He shuddered, "I can't believe I..." he flexed his tongue, which he could feel a dull throbbing ache work its way through. It was only a phantom pain and stiffness though, not actually real, "I-I wonder what's going to happen now that they know it was a clone all along..." His heart quivered, "That crazy snake lady will kill me. Or _worse_. No, way way worse things can happen now. I have to _hide_. She's going to be pissed!" He distantly hoped Tenten wasn't upset...

And then, he was paralyzed again, as he felt his second clone pop.

"Oh god! No! No! No!" he shook his head rapidly, his whole body quaking, "I need to dispel my clones now!"

A second set of memories assaulted him in less than a second. Images flashed before his eyes - Hanabi Hyuuga - Hinata's little sister, had cornered him near the academy. She was furious, telling him off for playing with her sister's heart. He honestly had no idea what she was talking about, but after shoving him against the wall, she'd stolen a molten, fiery kiss. A thirteen year old girl had _kissed __him __on the mouth. _It was completely out of nowhere. And it's only thanks to an enraged Konohamaru hurling a rock at him that he was saved any more than that, the girl's hands molesting his chest and sinking only lower by the breath.

"This is _wrong_. This genjutsu is _sick._" He trembled, hugging himself tight, whispering to himself desperately, "I'm not a pervert. Jiraiya, I'm not a pervert. This genjutsu _won't_ break me. No matter how many depraved things happen, I will stop this!"

A third clone popped just then. This one had met Kurenai.

"Oh thank god!" His clone had shouted upon seeing the dark-haired beauty. She was dressed in her black and white wrappings, her full body filling out the tight garb. It rode high on her thighs and exposed most of her neckline. The clone was just as non-perverted as he though, and resisted such foul urges.

"Kurenai-sensei." He'd said desperately, "I _need_ your help. You're a genjutsu Mistress, and I think I'm stuck in a terrible genjutsu right now."

The woman turned and blinked, looking at him with an arch of her dark brow. Her full red lips pulled into a teasing smile, "Really now? Well I'm glad to see you're back Uzumaki-kun. My students have missed you a lot."

Naruto nodded, "Right. That's great. I mean, I'll be sure to talk to them all. But this is an _emergency_. I really, really could use your help."

The woman had put her hands on her hips, barely restraining a giggle, "Sure. Stop acting so cute though, you're going to make me laugh like a schoolgirl."

"This isn't funny! I'm serious! Listen, do you know of any genjutsu that can trap someone in a book?"

Kurenai blinked, "No, not off hand. Thankfully for you, I keep an entire catalog of genjutsu with me. I always like to write down my observations in the field." She reached into her breasts, boldly pulling out an orange book, "Oh wait, sorry, wrong one-"

"Never mind!" Naruto shrieked, turning around and about to fly fast on his heels. The woman laughed, a hand shooting out and hanging onto his collar, "Where do you think you're going? It's really fine! I have it with me. Come on, let's go to this great little club Anko-chan showed me a few weeks ago. We can talk all about this in privately, in a cozy little spot. They play some pretty sensual music. I have a few _very important_ things to say to you about Hinata as well."

The clone twisted in her grip, locking with those ringed eyes. It blushed furiously as she smiled, a second hand reaching out to stroke his cheek, "I can see what she sees in you though. Call me jealous!" she laughed playfully, the "ice queen" of Konoha acting anything but it.

"You'll never take me alive!" he shouted in the street.

Naruto's clone punched himself in the face, dispelling himself.

Thankfully, Naruto's clones all got updated after that clone exploded. They all realized they were in grave danger and that suicide was the only option to preserve Boss's sanity.

When night fell, Naruto was wrapped up in the covers of his bed, shivering in terror. He was afraid to go to sleep, afraid what he might dream of, after having been so... so intimate with Snake-lady and Tenten. His whole face still burned at the sheer thought of that girl's shit-eating grin. Worse was that it was just like Anko's!

"This world is truly a nightmare." He breathed, "I need to do everything in my power now to dispel it- maybe- maybe I should try an _enormous_ _kai? _Like, with all the chakra I can muster." It was an idea. One of the only few his paranoid, disturbed little mind could muster and process, as his brain was still recuperating from the perverted exploits of well over forty clones, even if all of them hadn't gotten all the way before ending themselves. Village, teenage girls had groped him, shouting his name like he was a celebrity, a few ANBU had apprehended his clones, taking them into dark alleys to "chat about security protocols in the village", and he'd even ran into Ino again, who demanded he come with her to dinner, her body bound in a clingy purple dress. He'd barely avoided the total annihilation of his pure soul! All in just one day!

"Ero-sennin, you have a lot to answer for now..."


	3. Interlude: Message Love

Naruto's apartment was an utter disaster. A bookshelf was turned over, a garbage can stuffed full of orange books laying on its side, the books spilling out onto the floor; paper and clothes were scattered about, strewn over cheap furniture. It was freezing too, a draft moving more free pieces of paper about the room. Also, the hinges on the front door were blown clean off, found twisted with their nails bent dangerously upward (Kakashi was surprised one of the more carelss ANBU hadn't stepped right ontop of it). If it weren't for the lack of blood and chakra residue, Sakura would have been freaking out.

She was quickly coming to the conclusion that not only did Naruto _not _take proper care of himself (whether it be diet or fashion), but that really could also be his own undoing. Forget Sasuke, the Sannin, or anybody else, he was more likely to off himself than some elite foe. Glancing at the fridge's contents made her almost lose her breakfast. She dumped everything out of there into the sink hurriedly, running the water to get rid of the odor.

Sakura sighed anxiously, "Where do you think Naruto went to?"

"Probably through this giant hole?" Kakashi deadpanned.

Sakura blinked and took a step back, looking diagonally into Naruto's bedroom, aghast.

Along one wall was a man-sized hole, likely created with a rasengan. Dry wall, brick and mortar continued to crumble away and fall down several stories.

"He wasn't attacked, was he?"

"There was no sign of trauma." Kakashi hummed, "And no sightings of enemies in the village. The ANBU reports Tsunade-sama gave me did not suggest otherwise. He's fine."

"Are you sure? What about Akatsuki?" he hums, "Why are they even after him _anyway_?"

Kakashi ignored that last part, "If Naruto leaves the village... well, Tenzou would know. He hasn't reported it if he has."

"Tenzou?"

"You'll meet him eventually. He's an ANBU operative with... special powers. The kind that are useful for keeping Naruto safe."

"Ah. I see." She grimaced, "I don't like this game, Kakashi-sensei."

"Maa, neither do I. But it's not my call."

What was she to say to that? It wasn't like she was Naruto's mother or sister. The divine knowing, he _needed_ somebody like that. But she wasn't sure if she could count herself among such roles. She'd never been particuarly helpful or kind to him. And she'd never really made herself useful outside of... well nothing. She wasn't even useful in combat until she'd started training with Tsunade. It ate at her thoughts, she realized. In the back of her mind, it was _this_ that had motivated her the most. Naruto needed her more than he probably would ever realize.

She just wasn't sure what she needed to do. Clean up his room maybe? Once they found him, perhaps. After the training exercise today, she vowed to... talk to him. To set things straight where they stood. On everything. He needed to understand that she was there for him. He couldn't do everything alone.

They hovered about, Naruto's teammate frowning at the state of the blond's apartment. "This place is a mess. But I guess it's to be expected. Nobody has been taking care of it all these years." She stopped in front of an answering machine in the kitchen, "Probably not before he left, either."

She looked down.

"Ninety-nine messages?" she laughed, "Hey Kakashi-sensei! Naruto _apparently_ doesn't ever use his answering machine. It's completely full!" She giggled, "This is absolutely ridiculous! Does he even know he _has_ a phone?"

"Perhaps there is a clue there. Sort through them, would you Sakura?"

"Of course." She smiled, pressing the flashing plastic button.

The first message was just static.  
The second message was from Jiraiya. He talked about the training trip starting tomorrow.

"Oh wow, these are old." Sakura breathed.

The third message was Hinata, "H-Hello? Naruto-kun? Naruto-kun?" A very long pause later, "I heard you were leaving. Please tell me you didn't already!"

Apparently, he did. The message ended with a beep, the girl had waited too long, apparently.

The fourth message was Hinata, again, "H-hello? Naruto-kun? Naruto-kun?" It ended just like that.  
The fifth message was Hinata, again, "N-Naruto?" She repeated his name six times before hanging up.

Sakura could tell she was heart broken. Her voice was so much younger sounding too. It made her heart clench, "I should have been nicer to her. She was probably depressed after she realized he had just left her like that." She mumbled.

The sixth message was total silence. It cut off with a beep.  
The seventh message was total silence. It cut off with a beep.  
The eigth message was very heavy breathing. It lasted very shortly though.  
The ninth message was Hinata again, "H-hello? Are you back yet N-Naruto-kun?"

Sakura shivered, "Hinata, you sound so desperate and lonely..." she swallowed, vowing to try and make her day better today, as soon as this dumb mission was over with. Naruto would pay for breaking the poor girl's heart!

The tenth message was soft breathing. It lasted but a moment.  
The eleventh message was just a syllable, "N-Na."

Sakura couldn't identify the voice.

The twelfth message was another syllable, "Ru."

The rosette's eyes narrowed. She knew what would come next.

The thirteenth message was definitely Hinata, "To."

Umm, okay? Sakura scratched her temple as he stomached clenched.

"Maybe I should... talk to Tsunade-sama about setting up an appointment with Inochi-san. Hinata, might... have a screw loose." She giggled, "Then again, I guess that's why she fits so well with blondie."

Naruto was a nutcase himself, if the giant hole in his apartment was any indication.

The fourteenth message was spam. Something about an offer for ninja info cards, whatever those were.  
The fifteenth message was way worse, a seductive voice whispering coarsely, "Are you lonely? Cold? All alone at night? Call 1-866-KUNOFLIRT, it will heat up your night."

Sakura clenched her teeth, "That baka better not call a number like that."

The sixteenth message was Hinata again, "Naruto-kun. I know you're not back yet. I asked Tsu-Tsunade-sama. She said you wouldn't be back for a long time." She trailed off, "S-So- I-I wanted t-to-I mean, I realized that t-t-the whole reason w-wh-why you didn't say goodbye, was b-b-because I haven't been h-honest with you about my f-f-f-f-eelings. Y-You c-couldn't have known h-how I've been f-fe-feeling. I-I'm s-su-such a c-coward. B-But I want to change. I-I want to leave this message. So that I... T-to confess. S-so you'll u-understand when you get back that, that I really-"

The answering machine clipped off with a soft click.

The seventeenth message was someone stumbling, then a click.  
The eighteenth message was Hinata again, "Fuck." She hissed, "I-I can't believe it cut me off. I-" her voice was tortured. Was she crying? "W-why can't I do anything right, I-" click.  
The nineteenth message was more stumbling. A crash. Heavy ragged breathing, "I... I- you- Naruto-kun! Naruto-kun, please, p-please don't- please d-don't... What I'm tr-trying to say is that I l-l-l-l-l-l-lo-lo-like- that I- l-l-l-l-l-" Click.

Sakura shivered, "Okay, yeah-"

"Definitely Inochi-san." Kakashi was standing behind her.

Sakura blinked, shifting uncomfortably, her sensei standing a bit too close, "When did you-"

"Around the tenth one." He was holding up his little orange book to his face.

"Oh."

Kakashi giggled pervertedly, "Keep going. I've scoured the apartment. He's not here. Pakkun's following his sent. He'll send me a signal when he finds him. I'm just going to keep reading."

"Um. Alright then."

The twentieth message was once again, the (likely?) Hyuuga Heiress, "I want to read a poem for you Naruto-kun, s-since that should make it easier for you to understand what I'm trying to say. Do you want to hear it?" she giggled softly, probably not caring if he did or not, "Roses are red, Naruto-kun's favorite color is orange, sugar is sweet and- oh no! Nothing rhymes with orange. I should have thought this through." Click.

Sakura's hand slapped against her damp forehead, "She sounded delirious. Was she drunk? She needs some help."

"Indeed."

The twenty-first message, starring Hinata once more, was not so bubbly, "I was watching the rain this morning Naruto-kun. It reminded me of you. The day we met, it was raining. Do you remember? Neji-kun beat me in a spar that day. Father had already begun to hate me back then." She started crying and never finished her throught.

Sakura hesitated, unsure if she wanted to keep going, but she could feel Kakashi's stare, "Isn't this a bit much? This isn't really my business..."

"We're on a mission. It becomes our business, Sakura."

She sighed and pressed it.

The twenty-second message, "I'm sorry about the last message, Naruto-kun. I'm sorry for bothering you. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't keep calling you. I never did before you left. Because I was too scared. I should have reached out to you. You were lonely too, weren't you? I remember seeing you in the academy. And I thought how much like me you were. How everyone hated you and expected the unreasonable. But... you never stopped smiling. Unlike me." Click.

The twenty-third message, Hinata whispering, "I-I I-" she continued to stutter the whole message, ending with a click.

The twenty-fourth message, Hinata said, voice going lower and lower as she spoke, "I said it before. I said it before! I-I don't know how I managed to do it. I-If only you had bought a better answering machine, Naruto-kun, I-I wouldn't-I-I wouldn't have to struggle to say it again. I-I don't know where I found the courage. But I was so desperate to tell you the truth. I want you to know how I feel, b-but- b-but, I ca-I can't-Y-You must have s-some idea, r-right? Do-I really-do I really have to s-s-s-ay it? T-That I- That I-" Click.

Kakashi giggled, "She's a like Yuri-chan."

"Who?"

He blinked, "Oh, don't play dumb Sakura." Kakashi said suavely, "I know you've read the latest one. And she was in Icha Icha GOSPEL too."

"I-I have- I have not! I don't read those dumb things, I'm not like you, sensei."

Kakashi reached over her with his arm, causing her to blush fiercely, and pressed the button on the answering machine, grinning under his mask, "If you say so." He murmured, knowing it wouldn't be long until she cracked.

The twenty-fifth message, Hinata whispered, "I give up. I can't do it. I'm sorry." Click.

The twenty-sixth message, Hinata swallowed, "I was thinking about you today. I wonder if you're thinking about me, wherever you are, Naruto-kun."

The twenty-seventh message, Hinata shouted, "Father tried to arrange a s-s-s-suitor for me today! I almost- I almost beat him in a spar, but I-I don't think I can convince him to stay away- please come back Naruto-kun! I won't let anyone else but but- you!" Click.

The twenty-eighth message, Hinata said resolutely, "I've tried to tell father, but he won't listen. Naruto-kun, Naruto-kun, please, you have to tell him. You have to tell him I won't settle for anybody else." There was a shuffling, a man's voice bellowing over the phone, "Hello? Who is this? Hello? Answer me! This is Hyuuga Hiashi! If you're seeing my daughter, poisoning her mind, I order you to stop!" a breath, "I know you're there coward! Stand up for her if you're a man!" a growl, his voice so loud and booming that the answering machine played back static and feedback as he howled, "Listen, you, stay away from my daughter! You aren't fit to court my preci-" Click.

Sakura rubbed her temples, "They're both idiots."

Kakashi giggled like a silly girl, turning a page.

The thirtieth message, Hinata's voice was a lot older sounding,

"Oh, finally. I guess that was the last one for a while."

"Perhaps."

Hinata spoke calmly, in a way Sakura was more familiar with. But it sounded really subdued, "Hi. I haven't called you in a long time Naruto-kun. I'm really sorry. I...I've been busy. I hope you're doing well?" she breathed quietly into her phone until the answering machine dropped it with a click.

"Hinata, he's not even home. He's not even going to even hear you... why would you bother..." she shakes her head.

The thirty-first message and the thirty-second messages were simply the sounds of muffled breathing, all being dropped by the answering machine's maximum message duration (which was both short and oddly inaccurate, some messages ended abruptly when they should have had more time to leave a message).

"Those breathing messages were Hinata too, weren't they?"

Kakashi nodded.

"She's... she's messed up. Bad. I didn't realize..."

"She hides it well."

"No, no she doesn't."

Kakashi nodded again, giggling.

The thirty-third message was Hinata again, "Hey Naruto-kun. I um, saw your teacher today. I guess he noticed I wasn't feeling well. He's really nice. Nicer than I thought. He cheered me up. Even gave me this really..." she giggled, "You have to read it when you c-ccome b-back. But I know you don't like to read... I-I would l-l-love... to read the last page on chapter two to you..." giggled again, "Yusuke-kun reminds me so much of you..." click.

Sakura turned and glared at her sensei.

"What?"

Kakashi simply said, "Icha Icha Sunset."

"Ohh!" Sakura blushed and swallowed, "She wanted to read that...?"

"Apparently."

Sakura shivered, "W-well maybe she isn't that crazy. She has good taste." She whispered very, very quietly to herself as she pressed the button again, trying hard not to imagine Hyuuga Hinata in a bridal gown, suspended above a ballroom, lying on her back atop a chandelier, with Naruto...

A little blood trickled out of Sakura's nose. She quietly wiped it and pressed the button.

The thirty-fourth message was another advertisement, "Congratulations! You have been chosen as our lucky winner for ten million ryo! Please call back quickly and give us your bank account information, so we can wire you the grand prize!"

"Naruto would so fall for that." Sakura giggled.

"Good thing he doesn't check his messages."

"Right."

The thirty-fifth message was the most disturbing yet. Hinata was moaning quietly into the phone.

"Oh, oh, do you think she was hurt?"

"It definitely wasn't that kind of moaning, Sakura."

"W-What?"

The thirty-sixth and thirty-seventh messages were exactly the same. Hinata's voice growing louder and louder, undulating towards the end.

"What is she doing?"

Kakashi said nothing, his one eye closing sagely, his cheeks bright pink.

The thirty-eighth message was simply a click.  
The thirty-ninth message was Hinata again, except this time, she was talking about her day. She'd gone to the Yamanaka flowershop and bought flowers.  
The fortieth message was Hinata yet once more, again talking about her day. She went to see Sakura at the hospital.

The forty-first message was Hinata again, "I saw Haruno-san again today." She breathed airily, "And I had an idea Naruto-kun. I know how much you like her." Sakura blushed at this, uncomfortable under Kakashi's gaze, "So I decided to talk longer to her today while she worked at the hospital. I was thinking, how a-about... well..." she giggled, "A- A- oh, it's too perverted, Naruto-kun. But I'll try to be nice to her and h-hint at it."

"What the devil is she talking about?"

Kakashi just giggled.

"Maybe I shouldn't ask." She grumbled.

The forty-fifth message was yes, still Hinata, "I saw Haruno-san again today. But she was too busy. I didn't find that out until I walked past her station and spied on her. I-I mean, my eyes just activated on their own. I couldn't help myself. I didn't mean to... and I couldn't hear anything, but... she was really nice to one of the Branch family. They were suffering complications and..." she trailed off, "She was very kind. She's a wonderful medic. I think I can see now what you see in her, Naruto-kun." Her voice lowered, to a whisper at the end. She giggled bashfully, her voice thick, "Y-You'll a-amazed when you see her again. She's g-grown."

Sakura's face was scarlet, "W-What the hell did she mean by that?"

"Saa. I wonder."

She elbowed him, but her sensei blocked it with his second-nature reflexes.

The forty-sixth message was surpsiginly from Ino, "I can't believe I called Naruto on accident." She giggled, "I guess it must a couple digits different from Tenten's. Actually, I didn't even know he had a phone number. That idiot..." Click.

Sakura rolled her eyes. Though she had to admit, she hadn't known Naruto's number either until their first chuunin exams were over. He didn't give it out and it wasn't listed in any of the phone books, which was kind of crazy weird. Apparently it was in one of the older editions though, from when the boy was around six or seven, so he must have gotten it remvoed for some reason. The Hokage might have placed it under priveledged information.

Message forty-seven was Ino again, "Hey Tenten! You won't believe what Hinata-chan asked me to show her yesterday? Well, you know about that _problem_ I was talking about? Sakura did fix it. But _someone_ told her about that. Can you believe that? And worse, she wanted to know what it was called... wait a minute. Tenten, are you there?" There was a long pause, then a click.

Kakashi hummed, "And that was...?"

"Ino being a ditz." Sakura just shook her head in pity, "I feel sorry for Tenten. She must put up with a lot."

"No, I mean, what _problem_ did Ino have that Hinata wanted to know about?"

"Oh, well I don't- wait. Actually." She stopped, "_No way_. Why would she...? She wouldn't-"

"Care to enlighten me?"

"Shut it. You'll just giggle like a perv."

"Maa."

"Fine. Ino- well, you know how she's _soo_ secretly unsure of herself?"

"No, actually."

"Well, she's always felt 'inadequate' in the ah, bust department."

"Oh."

"Yes. Since I'm so close to Tsunade, she seemed to think I could help. And actually, it's a long story, but I did..."

"So Hinata was feeling inadequate as well?"

"That doesn't make any sense, I mean, she's the... even though she wraps herself so tight." She sighed, "This is all a mess. She can't take those pills, they have horrible side-effects, I don't even know how Ino stays sane. She's constantly taking them-"

"What side effects?"

"Irritability, cramps, headaches, moodswings, depression. Well, when I took them-" she coughed, blanching, "I mean, just to test them to be sure." She giggled nervously, "Ino's reactions were far worse, though far different. If she takes them, she probably could be mistaken for someone who has _mania_ or is um, _hypersexual_."

"And would that be consistent with Hinata's behavior?"

"I- I don't know. If she's been taking them or not. We'll have to verify that. But it could explain some of it. It does create a hormonal imbalance-"

"But Hinata has always been strange, right?"

Sakura nodded tiredly, "This is just terrible. Ino shouldn't have shown her the medication I gave her, it's _technically_ a village secret."

Kakashi said nothing.

The forty-eighth message was Hinata. She was getting into the habit of telling Naruto about her day. The fort-eighth through sixtieth messages were in this style, with Hinata saying, "Hi Naruto-kun." Followed by whatever dribbled out of her fumbling lips. Sakura wondered if the girl were simply practicing for when Naruto would finally return, so she could actually talk to him and maybe confess her desires. But she felt pity for the girl, who probably had no idea all the messages she was leaving went unheard.

The days Hinata recounted to Naruto were bland and pretty insipid. Hinata would get training from her father, train with Kurenai or Kiba, and then she'd go shopping. One message was a little embarrassing, when the girl asked him if she should start purchasing orange undergarments to please him, but it actually sounded more pathetic than that, considering how the girl could barely keep herself from giggling and stuttering over the question.

The fifty-fifth message was the only one that stood out as being particuarly odd from those, she just started rattling off names very quickly that contained the kanji "hi" (sun) in them and towards the end asked Naruto to pick fifteen of his favorites.

The sixty-first message was quiet for a while, ending with Hinata's voice, "Naruto-kun." She pleaded. Click.

The sixty-second message was garbled. It sounded like Kiba telling Naruto to quit fucking with his teammate (a very strong emphasis on his), but there was so much barking, cursing and howling that Sakura looked over her shoulder.

"You get any of that, Inu-sensei?"

"Nope. I could call back Pakkun though and we could cycle through the messages again and-"

"Tch. Forget I asked." She played the second message. Sometimes Kakashi thought he was soo funny

The sixty-third message was Hinata, her voice was the most modern sounding, melodious and airy, but deeper than all the rest of the messages so far, "You're coming back in three days." She whispered, "Naruto-kun. I cannot believe it. After all these years, you're coming back. Coming back to see me. Don't worry Naruto-kun, I'll be waiting at the gate for you. And in-case I miss you, I've tasked Branch members to sit on look out. We'll use chakra flares and with my Byakugan I can find you anywhere. I won't lose you again, Naruto." Click.

"Um, did she sound a little deranged there, or was that just me?"

"Nope. Perfectly normal to me." He said with a sigh, "Ah, young love. Isn't it romantic?"

Sakura swallowed, "L-Love? C'mon, Hinata just likes Naruto a lot... it's not... love..."

"Then what would you call probably over eighty messages on Naruto's answering machine being?"

"O-Obsession?"

Kakashi hesistates before nodding, "Well, obsession and love go hand in hand."

"They do not!"

Kakashi giggled, his voice turning into a squeak as he flipped a page, "Oh Sasuke-kun!" he sang, "Sasuke-kun~!"

Sakura hissed, "I'm over that asshole!"

The man blinked his one eye. "Really?"

Sakura herself blinked back, "Um. Yeah. I think so."

Considering what her last dream had been about... but she couldn't tell him that.

"I did notice you seemed less depressed after I talked you into reading Icha Icha after Naruto left..."

She lightly swatted his hip, "T-That has nothing to do with it. Why are you jumping to crazy conclusions? I just matured, that's all." She hesitates, "And don't you dare tell Naruto that I read that crap. He'll never forgive me."

Kakashi sighed, "You still have a lot of maturing to do still, missy. And I thought you said you didn't read 'that crap'?"

She growled. The man's left foot slid back, Sakura's heel driving into Naruto's apartment floor with a crunch.

Sakura's furious expression softened into despair. She looked down at the floor. A huge hole was in Naruto's kitchen. Spiderweb cracks continued to spread. Thinking quickly, Sakura yanked the answering machine out of the wall, ripping up old plaster and paint, as well as snaking the telepohone cord. Kakashi and her hopped back into the living room, just in time to see a quarter of the kitchen cave in, a hair sliding down into the apartment below, dust and debris crashing and shattering on impact.

"Well." Sakura said in awe.

"As I was saying. A lot of maturing."

She almost tried to stomp on his heel again, but shrieked, as the rest of Naruto's kithen caved into the floor below.

* * *

Within the hour, inspectors were crawling all over Naruto's apartment complex. Apparently, the building was not being properly maintained and was too old. It had to be torn down. All the residents were given a swift notice to pack their things and leave as soon as possible. The Hokage would provide one month's free rent elsewhere in exchange for kicking them out.

With Naruto's apartment now condemned, Sakura held Naruto's answering machine against her chest, and sighed, "Look at what I've done. Naruto's homeless now."

Kakashi shrugged, "Looks like you owe him. Although, you did do him a favor too. That place was not safe for anyone. You may have just saved a lot of lives."

"I guess."

They climbed down the building's creaky stairs and walked outside the desolated lobby. Sakura blinked as Pakkun stood before them.

"Yo." Kakashi greeted.

"'sup."

"You find Naruto?"

"Yep."

"Where is he?" Sakura asked tiredly.

"Hiding, actually." Pakkun laughed hoarsely, "What's wrong with him?"

"Where is he?" Sakura repeated tersely.

"Well, uhh..." the dog sighed, "Follow me. It's a little hard to explain. But he's where you probably checked first."

Sakura shrugged, Kakashi following along side her as Pakkun trotted along.

They blinked when the dog stopped in front of Ichiraku's.

"Here? But. Where? I don't sense him."

"He's hiding in plain sight." Pakkun said.

Kakashi giggled, "Oh my, Naruto, are you using genjusu? So Jiraiya really has taught you something after all this time."

The three stood outside the ramen stand. Ayame and her father smiled sheepishly. They looked down together at the glossy counter. The young ramen girl tapped a bowl of ramen beside her, "Naru-kun, they aren't going to leave. You might as well as show your face."

The bowl of cold-looking ramen rippled, its yellowy browth shimmering, a face forming on it, "Dammit!"

There was a poof and Naruto was there, sitting on the end of the counter.

"Interesting. Henge in combination with-"

"Yeah. That genjutsu we saw on our first trip leaving Konoha."

"How nostalgic." Kakashi observed, lowering his book.

Sakura grumbled as she stomped forward, "Baka! Why the hell were you hiding?"

Naruto shook his head, "You wouldn't believe me! Seriously." He hopped down and took a seat, "What do you guys want anyway? Were you looking for me too?"

"Of course we were! I was worried sick! Tsunade-sama gave us a B-ranked mission to find you this morning!"

"B-ranked? Really?" Naruto blinked, "Um, sorry, it's just- I was hiding and I had to pick a place that would be overlooked. I mean, someone looking for me would just glance this way and see I'm not here and conclude I obviously wouldn't be hiding in my favorite place ever."

Ayame giggled behind him. The woman was dressed in incredibly skimpy clothing underneath her apron. Naruto was twisted in his seat, so he couldn't appreciate the way Ayame's red string bikini squeezed at her breasts, or the way her womanly hips emerged like a wave from the white, obstructing cloth over her waist.

As for why she was wearing that? Well, Teuchi nearly had a heart attack when Naruto jumped on the counter and turned into a bowl of ramen. He was wise enough not to ask questions like that. But when his daughter started to tease him? Nearly putting a spoon in the broth? He'd suspected his girl had had a tiny little crush on the ninja, but he'd had no idea that his presence would... And then she had curled her fingers around her skirt and started to take it off - naturally the man went deep into his work, trying to remind himself that his daughter was the pure maiden he raised her to be. His only relief was that the girl clearly had intended to go swimming in the afternoon.

"Over exposure to ramen." He'd concluded, in the end. He was giving his daughter a month off first thing tomorrow.

Sakura flopped down next to Naruto and reached out with the cord of the answering machine, plugging it into an outlet exposed in the ramen stand.

"Whatever. We can talk about why you were hiding later. Naruto, you need to listen to this. You have an entire answering machine full of messages from Hinata! Do you have any idea what you've done to her?! We need to fix this, now!"

"H-Hinata?" Naruto gulped, unable to stop Sakura as she pressed the button on the machine.

Messages sixty-four through eighty-two filled just three minute's worth of other-wise total silence. Each and every single message was Hinata asking in monotone, "Are you home yet, Naruto-kun?"

By the end of those messages, Naruto was shivering, "She's crazy. She's totally crazy! I knew it! It's no wonder-"

"Shut up Naruto. Not a word out of you until I hear the rest of these."

Kakashi finally took a seat, reading lazily, his back propped up against the wall.

Message eighty-three was, "I'm so glad I found you at the flowershop today Naruto-kun. I talked to Yamanaka-san about what she tried to do to you. I made her promise not to try it ever again." She paused, "She won't dare. You can trust me."

Sakura glared at her teammate, Ayame as well. "What does she mean by that Naruto?"

"L-later! Later! Just finish the damn messages." He swallowed, trying to think of ways to escape that Kakashi wouldn't catch onto immediately.

Message eighty-four was, "Are you home yet Naruto-kun? I can't find you. Where did you go?"

Message eighty-five was a very frustrated Hinata, "I can't believe you did that vulgar thing with that woman Naruto." Her voice turned twisted, tone thick with desire, "It was soo incredible. I felt like I was the one doing it. I'll be waiting outside your apartment, alright? I-I want to talk to you so badly."

Sakura barely restrained her fury at that message, but Naruto wore such a pained, angry, ashamed and defeated expression, that she just couldn't manage a word at him.

Message eighty-six was, "Why haven't you come home yet, Naruto-kun? I stood around outside for an hour. Are you avoiding me?"

"This poor girl is hopeless. I can't believe it." Ayame commented, "She's eaten here before. I'm going to have to talk to her and... Naruto-kun about all this."

Naruto said nothing, though Sakura nodded, "We're going to have to straighten this all out together. It's the only way to amend this."

"I'm not so sure-"

"Quiet! Not a word out of you."

Message eighty-seven, "I'm so glad you picked up! Oh I'm sooo happy we got to talk. I've been waiting for this for years! I'm sooo sorry I hung up! I was just so shocked after- I mean-I didn't mean to say what I did, not really, I was just so surprised that I... Please pick up again Naruto-kun. I want to talk to you, I- need to talk to you."

"So you did talk."

"Yeah."

"About what?"

"I-it's embarrassing, alright?" He shook his head, "Later. You just said _later_, remember?"

"Fine!"

Message eighty-eight, "Why aren't you picking up, Naruto-kun? I know you're there."

"Oh god, she sounds like she's dying. Why didn't you pick up you baka?"

"I told you, you wouldn't believe me! Hinata- she's crazy! Crazy I tell you! I was fearing for my life!"

"She wasn't going to hurt you!"

"How do you know?!"

Message eighty-nine, "Your pyjamas are really cute, Naruto-kun."

"What?" Sakura blinked, "Oh."

Kakashi giggled, "It's a shame she didn't describe them for us."

Message ninety, soft erratic breathing. It lasted what seemed forever.

Naruto started breathing heavily himself, "S-Sakura, you should p-probably stop. That's enough for now, right?"

Ayame wore a heated expression, her father covered his ears and looked away, shivering in shame at his daughter's wrathful yet lusty look at the blond.

Message ninety-one, Sakura clutched the answering machine close to her chest, looking around nervously as Hinata shifted quietly against her phone, "I'm using a payphone right now, Naruto-kun. Can you guess where?"

Message ninety-two, "Please pick up, Na-ru-to. I just want to talk again..."

Message ninety-three, "Please..." there was an awkward shifting and shuffling, like cloth sliding against skin. There was a soft moan, a deep hitched breath.

Ayame made a very soft squeak, her cheeks burning. Sakura covered her face with one hand, finger trembling on the next button.

Naruto's face was the most scarlet. He kept his gaze away from both girls.

Message ninety-four, "Please Naruto... I _need_ you." Her voice moved like a wave, she moaned loudly, "I wish I had the courage to just to say it, b-but you're going to _make_ me _make_ you understand. If, if I can't do it with words-" she moaned so loud that both girls covered their ears tight, their entire bodies tingling, "-then I'll have to _act_."

Message ninety-five, she was just breathing batedly, whispering his name. She was just rambling now, describing all his good qualities and why she thought they were good. But her noble thoughts decayed into decadent descriptions towards the abrupt end of the message, her words steamy as she recounted with precise detail the very firm shape of his ass, the swells of each of his pectroal muscles, and why she thought their bodies would fit perfectly against one another.

Ayame and Sakura began to breathe oddly themselves. It was then they both gazed at Naruto with glazed looks.

"Don't-don't look at me like that! I-I'm not just some piece of meat!"

A little saliva trickled out of Ayame's mouth, "You trained yourself _good_ Naruto-kun." She murmured, her eyes roaming, "And why are you complaining? I'm just looking. Aren't I allowed to look?"

"That's not fair, Ayame-chan! G-guys aren't supposed to-"

She lifted up her apron, breasts jiggling with the swift movement. Ayame was also one to work out, it seemed, given the taut firmness of her belly and the strong bulges of her thighs, "You can look at me_ all you want_, Naru-"

Sakura was stunned, looking at both parties with envious eyes, her finger moving on its own, tapping the button of the answering machine with a jitter as something welled inside her. Most would call it _envy_.

Message ninety-six, her voice is low and rough, "Naruto. Why are you ignoring me? Do you think it's funny? I've been waiting for this for _years_. Don't you even _care_? I _want_ to talk to you. I _need_ to talk to you. Don't you _want_ to listen to me?"

Message ninety-seven, "Do you want to know what I'm wearing right now?" she giggled, "Of course, you know about my favorite jacket. Well, I've been wearing it ever since you left. And it's _so_ small on me now. I used to wear it to hide me- and it still does that- but not so _properly_ anymore." She moaned, her body shifting and sliding noisily, an odd wet sound filling the ramen bar, "W-what if I told you, that there's nothing under-underneath it." She whispered very, very softly.

"WHAT?!"

Sakura glared heatedly at Naruto, but stood up suddenly in horror, her eyes fixated on Naruto's crotch, "You baka! You boneheaded _baka_! What the hell? Why are you turned on?!"

"What do you mean why am I turned on- have you been listening to her?!"

"_Naruto_!"

Naruto pulled on his dark jacket in terror, scrambling backwards against the wall. Ayame wore a look just a fierce as Sakura, "Naruto..." she whispered like a deadly predator.

"L-Listen you two, Listen, just- I- I mean- I was trying to warn you that- I've- I've got some laundy to do!" And then he just ran. Ran like the hills. Ran like fucking Orochimaru was after him. Even if it was awkward for a few minutes, running as he was, he pushed forward, moving as fast as he could.

"What did I do to deserve this?!"

Ayame hopped over the bar, shouting, "I'm on break now Dad!" And she tore after the shinobi. Sakura blinked and shouted, "Hey wait! I want a piece of him too! That fucking- oh! I can't believe what he did to Hinata! And the nerve!" And she was gone too.

Kakashi sighed. He reluctantly pressed the button on the forgotten answering machine.

Message ninety-eight, "Why are you hiding in your closet Naruto-kun? You know I can still see you." She giggled teasingly.

Message ninety-nine, "That's it Naru-kun." She says sweetly, "I'm coming up. Don't even try to lock the door. I'm coming up. And when I get there, I expect you on the bed, with all your clothes gone."

"Maa, my cute students sure are a handful, aren't they?"

Teuchi slumped forward, "That they are. And now my little Ayame-chan..." he sighed, "Will he take good care of her, at least?"

"You know Naruto. He's not one to take feelings like they don't matter. Actually, he's way too serious in that regard. Maybe your daughter will loosen him up."

"God, I hope not." He blinked, staring at what Kakashi was holding, "Say, is that the latest-"

The jounin pulled it close to his chest, "I'm sorry, Teuchi-san. You'll have to get your own copy."

"Drat."

* * *

**AN:** A completely silly chapter this time! Yay. I've been super busy lately so sorry on the delay. Hopefully next chapter will be a _tad_ more serious. Thanks for the support everyone.


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